Wow!
You wrote the letterhead of your suicide letter before you even wrote the damn thing.
Failure does not guarantee rest you know?
Why must you taste the pitiless bottom to decide to stay? How does it taste? Does it taste like the power of choice?
I bet it does,
Because I know that feeling of solace. It is a real choice, when you decide to stay on. So, I get it, as long as you come back to yourself
But you also must remember always, its momentary. And have a ritual, a treatment to bring you back to self.
Worry if it lasts more than 2 consecutive days, in the deep state of solace. At least one full sleep cycle in a dark undisturbed place, where you are safe and you don't have to tend to anything or anyone. Sleep and re-assess. If you feel the same then. Call someone; just listen to their voice, someone that knows you well. Talk about something you share in common, and laugh! you do not have to say how you are feeling, but you want to call someone to feel!
If you continue to be in deep solace after that, please call a doctor, you may have a serious chemical imbalance, and that can be dangerous. Your feelings even though may be real and justified, can trigger a stress state in which a chemical imbalance can take hold. Now, if you go from deep solace to a higher vibratory state, even if a tiny bit (trust me if you are ever in deep solace you will note any tiny bit of improvement in a second) after talking to someone and feeling hopefully good! write about what you are feeling, ask yourself, things like: ok! if you really feel that way, how would you do it? you dont care about the blood? Ask things that can make you put yourself in the shoes of everyone you will affect for your decission of playing God and thinking you have a say in how you get to go. Ingrate!
And then right before you feel like a piece of shit, try to identify what triggered your state and ask why did it had such an effect on you, when you think of a time, ask again, before this time, did I feel like this in any other time? peel that onion, and blow that original calcified emotion away. Every challenge is a gift. The sooner we peel it, the sooner we get the gift.
