Editorial Note

The present is a note addressed to the last three posts.

First of all I would like to make it clear that these are not suicidal notes, they are rather an outlet of expression. I sometimes go through very rough times that feel like a force beyond my control wanting to rip the fabric of my body. These moments are very painful for me, and even though until today I have mostly kept them quiet, I have come to realize that maybe I need to be honest with myself first, and secondly with anyone that may at some point resonate with these posts.

I have never attempted against my own life, maybe once when I was a teenager I had an attempt that was more stupid than accurate, and even until today I regret it as it kills my left wrist during winter, and I am reminder of the stupid things that I can do that will have an effect on me for the rest of my life. But beyond that instance I have not attempted against my life, I have prayed for my life to end, I have visualized in dreams and in imagination how I would like to be met by the angel of death. I have looked for summoning spells for death to take me, and I have overall begged for mercy when things get to dense in here.

But I am still here, and I guess if you resonate with any of the posts from June 30, 2018 then I have to tell you that first of all, you are not alone, that for some of us this pain has meaning beyond what our 3D body can see. And that if the next day you are still here, without taking matters into your own hand, then it means that somehow you are still not done.

Remember that through our life, before we incarnate we set up exit strategies for our soul, and then most of us have several exit strategies during our life time, and without taking things into our own hands, we will meet these exit strategies, and in those exit strategies we will be able to make a decision. I think I have passed a few already of those, I remember once I was presented with the choice and I chose to stay, even though the feeling of wanting to leave continues to strike me, I know how those exit strategies look like and I am telling you, to hold on, not for me, not for you, not for your family, not even a purpose, rather wait for what your soul set forward for you... wait for the opportunity to leave on your own terms, I trust that it will come.

In the mean time, look for a community that can support you during these times, I know some of these feelings never go away, and they are always lingering, but there are ways to either bring all those other aspects of your being to surface and counterpart that call for darkness for you. Talk to someone that maybe doesn't know you, reach out, always reach out because sometimes when talking and explaining and hearing yourself out loud you are able to discern what is it really you, and what is it really maybe something else in the works. When I wrote these last 3 parts I figured out many things and I was able to separate myself from my pain, and start to understand it, and see beyond it.

Some people may be very sensitive to the energy surges in the planet, and feel overwhelmed, others might feel other people's pain all the time, there are exceptional beings incarnate today in the world that go through this, whatever it is, there is a community that will support what you are going through. So do not give up, because even though we believe in the afterlife, and we know the journey of the soul, we do not know for sure, we are not for sure we will come back, that we will remember what we gathered, we do not know, and there is a chance that you may be risking your progress if you take matters into your own hands.

The last one

Some may say "she gave up", some might say "she was strong" what they say I should not care, for both are true, I gave up and I have been so strong for so many for so long. I will move on with my blood tattooed across the land that embraced me, let my organic body feed the land that fed me and nurtured me, and when all the blood is spilled, knit a blanket with my hair and burn it to hell, to honor the life I built just to burn to the ground. Take my heart and throw it in a pond, for fishes to feast on what I could never rejoice.

And let my death be pointless, for they will say "she had it all" but you know this was the evil joke you planned for me all along. To fill me with pain in the middle of a rainbow, to make sure none knew. It was you who planned revenge on my soul the moment I went to seek for my own sun. I have learned my lesson, I cant outrun you, but I've also learned you are vengeful, and that makes you as imperfect as your toy. So kill me softly, and quietly, pour water in my fire, and as you extinguish my breath, you will know that you are not better than me, for by doing this to me you prove the reason why I jumped into the dark to find my own light.

Part 3 of 3

The experiment gone wrong

I need to stop, I need help, please take me, take my breath, and give my years to whomever wants to continue to play, because I dont, I am done feeling and I have nothing to lose now, I do more damage on those that I love by every second I stay.

I am a horrible experiment gone awry, can we reset? Can your write your conclusions and dispose of me? Because I was supposed to be done by now and I have nothing, I have done nothing, and the fire coming out of my breath is burning everything I touch, I am a danger for everything around me, so please, disengage and dispose of me, I am done, shred my soul so I am emptiness for eternity, shred my spirit to my pain nurtures the soil of your future props.

Take me to where I belong, to nothingness and darkness, take me please, stop playing like a toy with me, I know I am not special and I have never been. I am just one more so take your notes and pull the plug, have mercy one last time, free me from this senseless time.

Part 2 of 3

The pain of the Moon

I feel and I do too much, for even if the leaf falls the rumble disturbs my very core.
I am in the middle of a garden and I cant help feel the burst, I am a combustion a second from happening. And the voice tells me to calm down, to channel from earth to sky just how she taught me, but I am beyond practicing, I am at the end of my road.

There is a new invitation every day, and every day I cant find the strength to commit, to persevere, to purposefully and gradually release the fire that is burning a hole inside of me.

If it's all a dream, why cant I wake up? I am done, I've been born I've grown, I've shopped, I've reproduced, so can I die now? Can I go? Why would you want me here? Why would you show me the myst and then throw me out of my own home? Not only did I lose my wings, my shield and my sword and was pushed to live like a mortal, now you make me a bomb? Why?! And what is worst, is that you have made me a bomb and hid the trigger from my thumb.

Where is my magic? where is my temple? Why do I keep taking away my dreams? and what else do you want from me? Don't you think I've seen I am not the only one? I dont carry the message alone, and the cause is beyond my vision now, so why am I still here? I have no mission, no wings, no temple, no home, no shield, no sword, no purpose, just a hole and a bomb. What do you want to blow up? Why me? What did I destroyed that you have made sure I lose everything, and Now you go for my mind, when will it be enough? for you to allow me to just go and join the darkness of my soul?

Part 1 of 3