Smells like failed spirit

Wow!
You wrote the letterhead of your suicide letter before you even wrote the damn thing.
Failure does not guarantee rest you know?
Why must you taste the pitiless bottom to decide to stay? How does it taste? Does it taste like the power of choice?

I bet it does,
Because I know that feeling of solace. It is a real choice, when you decide to stay on. So, I get it, as long as you come back to yourself
But you also must remember always, its momentary. And have a ritual, a treatment to bring you back to self.

 Worry if it lasts more than 2 consecutive days, in the deep state of solace. At least one full sleep cycle in a dark undisturbed place, where you are safe and you don't have to tend to anything or anyone. Sleep and re-assess. If you feel the same then. Call someone; just listen to their voice, someone that knows you well. Talk about something you share in common, and laugh! you do not have to say how you are feeling, but you want to call someone to feel!

If you continue to be in deep solace after that, please call a doctor, you may have a serious chemical imbalance, and that can be dangerous. Your feelings even though may be real and justified, can trigger a stress state in which a chemical imbalance can take hold. Now, if you go from deep solace to a higher vibratory state, even if a tiny bit (trust me if you are ever in deep solace you will note any tiny bit of improvement in a second) after talking to someone and feeling hopefully good! write about what you are feeling, ask yourself, things like: ok! if you really feel that way, how would you do it? you dont care about the blood? Ask things that can make you put yourself in the shoes of everyone you will affect for your decission of playing God and thinking you have a say in how you get to go. Ingrate!

And then right before you feel like a piece of shit, try to identify what triggered your state and ask why did it had such an effect on you, when you think of a time, ask again, before this time, did I feel like this in any other time? peel that onion, and blow that original calcified emotion away. Every challenge is a gift. The sooner we peel it, the sooner we get the gift.

The moon and its eternal love

The moon and its eternal love

The moon could have spent the last 4.5 billion years
lamenting the monotony of its existence,
In a relationship with some other entity
that cant seem to shake off orbit,
every time it may think its getting far away it just gets pulled again.

But I bet the moon and the earth chose love,
Because the oceans exist,
I am sure they chose love as the music to their dance,
Because there is no other more powerful symbol for lovers than that moon,
There is no other symbol for magic like that moon,
There is no other mirror bigger to our true love than that moon.

Lo mío

Lo mío

La claridad de los cielos,
el ambiente templado de todo el año,
los cenotes sagrados,
las aguas cristalinas,
la jungla,
la vida,
un paraiso sin duda alguna.

Pero a la sangre no se le engaña,
lo mío son las montañas y el bosque,
lo mío es el desierto
y las lineas rocosas que pintan el horizonte,
lo mío es subir y sentir esa necesidad de respirar profundo,
lo mío es despertar en un valle rodeado de gigantes.

lo mío es resistir,
lo mío es desaparecer entre los cielos y los montes,
lo mío es renacer cuando la tierra lo amerita,
he de tener sangre de la abuela bendita
por que aún en el paraiso, anhelo mi valle y las rocas
el frio de las noches estrelladas,
el llamado de las historias ancestrales
que retumban sin fallo cada noche,
como una orquesta en el firmamento
Como un poema escrito hace muchos vientos.

“Mexico 2 (283 palabras)”

Mayo 03, 2003

“Mexico 2 (283 palabras)”

Mi corazón te pertence

Pues mi alma tiene tus canciones

Y en mi pecho se sienten tus colores

Y cuando veo al horizonte

Veo tu belleza reflejada en un monte

Y cuando sale la luna

Se siente en el calor de la noche

El amor que tus jovenes

Niños y viejos emanan de sus corazones

Y es que son tus colores

También tu gente, mi gente

La que al mirarlos de frente

Me hace quererte mas México de mis amores.

Y aunque salí de ti por un tiempo

Tu nunca dejaste de estar dentro

Te llevo en cada uno de mis huesos

Y la bandera la llevo puesta

en cada uno se mis sueños

Y es que es verdad que nunca te voy a olvidar

Por que me diste patria y por quien luchar

Me enseñaste que como una águila debo de estar

Para derrocar al enemigo antes de que nos queira asechar

Y es que ahora también se

Que ser mexicano no es solo traer el tequila en mano

Ser tu hija es un honor y un regalo

Ser mexicana no es solo comer tacos

Ser mexicana es mas familia y respeto

Es “la neta” como dice la juventud de tu tierra,

Es tener inyectados en la sangre la fé y la esperanza

Es sentirse unidos

Es gritar juntos “Viva México” y sentirlo.

Esto es para ti México

Va por el verde de tus campos

Por el blanco de tu alma,

Y por el rojo de todo el amor que siento po ti.

Esto va por tu bandera, tu escudo, y tu himno

Va por tus campos, tus mares, tus montañas y rios

Va por mis antepasados, por tus indigenas,

Tambien por tus niños y por todos tus mexicanos

Va por el pais más bonito que ha existido

Sobre la faz de la tierra.

Va por ti México lindo y querido,

Por que otro como tú

Ni en otra galaxia encontrariamos.

The day that humanity walked

On the platform of its 12 apostols it rised and humanity walked,

it rose to the heavens

and the oceans parted

and creation 

forever changed.

Oath

From today until I cease to be,
I am harvesting my deep love's returns,
for I have loved and gained.
Ripples of light will forever carry me
to my eternal slumber where I
shall be one again.

A mile on shoes 488 years old

A mile on shoes 498 years old

Don't steal my thunder!
I've waltzed this road on my own,
I've listen to the air, and the water and the fire and the earth,
I've fallen down and gotten up again.

Don't ask me to give you my burden,
Don't take my merit,
I've suffered and I've cleansed,
I've cleansed strangers that i will never met,
And I didn't ask them for anything,
I did not ask that they believe in me,
I did not ask that they give me their soul,
And now you want to take my win?
Like a vulture
Why?

Because I seem desperate?
I am desperate to regain my health,
But I know I will get it back
How dare you use the open door I give your kind
How dare you use my invitation to try to crop my soul?
And I know it was not Jesus
Because him and I have been cool since a while back
He offered me his tribe but he also loved me and respected me for choosing to walk my own path
Him and I are one of a kind
You have a hold on ego of those who follow him,
you make his church tainted,
He has their heart,
but you still hold a grip on their minds.

But my soul is mine
It may be broken
It may be incomplete
but I've lost it and regained it
all on my own,
because that was my choice,
don't use the name of my brother to take our win,
don't use the angels of his members to open doors that otherwise you know you would never see,
You did this with my brothers and sisters 498 years ago,
But not now.

I was raised by your tribe,
And i'm not as innocent as they were 498 years past
I can see you very clear now,
And I dare you use the serfs again to come claim what I have earned with my pain, blood and sweat
Its 498 years later and we wont renounce her,
Its 498 years later and we stand by her,
Its 498 years later and you wont erect a palace on top of my temple.

I am of the God and the Goddess
I serve them
And through them I forgive you
For you did not know who you were dealing with
May love and grace continue to shower the hearts of those that you have a grip on
Their minds will follow sooner or later
You may find a new home
But you will never get my soul.

100

You were an adventure
I crossed the threshold
I saw the other side
I opened my eyes

You were the adventure
The adventure that my life was meant to have
you were the threshold
You were the mountain that I was meant to climb

The adventure turned you into my tormentor
the adventure shook
the adventure showed me to hold on
to get the last drop
of that sweet nectar that was your love.

But you were just an adventure
You were my door
I would have never lost my self
and I would have never go on a quest
to get back what I lost on my way down.

Bend Space like Neo

Bend Space like Neo

My face is covered

but my heart is open.

The tears of past

are now forgotten.

The blues are behind now,

I bend space like Neo now,

build a maze with a trio

there is no more debris en mi camino.

Wait...

WAIT...

Creating is a byproduct of being human,

If we take a breath, we create CO2,

If we think, we create our reality,

Movement is glorified and praised

Growth is put in a pedestal yet,

What is really challenging sometimes is to wait,

To hold down the ground,

To fill the space between breaths,

To let life pass by, 

Yet more challenging is to be content

to accept our faiths as those who wait

to accept the juice and receive the gift of patience,

to wait until patience becomes faith,

and to wait until faith becomes truth.

So if you are waiting,

If you are holding down the ground,

if you're listening and observing,

if you record without judge,

Thank you!

Take a bow and accept your speed,

we are all wrong,

growth for growth's sake is cancer

growth for a purpose is life,

so if you feel like you are waiting,

and you are not creating,

fill the space between the breaths,

and go on a quest of truth,

for the gifts of the juice are yours.

BEING A WOMAN OF MY TRIBE

What does it take to be a woman of my tribe?

If you have been forged on fire,
If you have bled for others,
If you have known first hand self harm,
If you have felt so much that a stare from your eyes melted the object of your rage,
You are a woman of my tribe.

If you have loved so deeply that the ocean is your best friend,
If you have remain soft despite your scars,
If you know the power of an apology,
If you are home to those that are misunderstood,
If your laugh builds up whatever that is torn,
If you have magic in your fingertips and your toes,
You are a woman of my tribe.

For every woman can relate to these sentences, every woman is a woman of my tribe.

For being a woman is to carry the elements in our body, and the wand of creation is carried in every womb.

A woman is the magic in the world, a woman is the rabbit whole.

Dare to love a woman of my tribe, once she knows her worth, and you will know the power of the most sacred love, the fire that atones, with their warm hugs and their sweet voice.

Even though every woman is a woman of my tribe, not all of them know it from the start.

So woman... love the woman to your right, love the woman to your left, we are mirrors of the sound that emanates from the eternal fire of the one that never hides but is hardly seen; if we tear each other apart, if we use our power against each other, we are only denying our true self, that of unity, that of true power, that of creation and the epitome of unconditional love.

Woman be fire
Woman be air
Woman be water
Woman be earth

Woman be
Woman wake
Woman step up
Woman take your place

What am I

I

Am

Because

I’VE

Found you

The light  from where I come from

My source…

The space between my dreams.

The Circle of Fire

The Circle of Fire

I went to a much desired retreat on September 21-23rd, 2018 which coincided with the fall equinox, and a full moon, and an overall large number of major events in the spiritual realm. The overall message I take from walking in a dream, in a shamanic journey which this trip represents to me is that of being a witness, I saw mothers love, I saw Quetzalcoatl, messages were delivered and new seeds were planted.

Overall I was asked to move away from performing for others and start performing for the elements, the mountain, the spirit, and in general for presence. Some of the observations that I was able to gather are attached to conditional love, like:

1.  The woman or the line of women in me have strong pain attached with self worth, and hence, every time I, in this body start to feel good, I feel the need to show it off, in any way that is a call for approval. 
2. More often than not, the attention sought is in the form of male energy. Not necesarily a gender, but rather a figure of authority or someone whose approval is gather high in prestige for example. And personally, the more  I observe, the more I find that its annoying. Because then of course I come to question if I do things because of who and what I am or if I do them to seek approval, and to feel worth, to accumulate points in a ridiculous point accumulation contest with no winner.

Among other observations that are present to me through the path that I have taken by deciding to pursuit the path of the sorceress, the one that serves source, that works with source, that guards source and that will eventually merge with it.

The fact is that by me entering the path in which I am, I have currently been in a position where I can only see now things that are immediately necessary for me to see, everything reflects to me right away, And I am bless to be able to discern from receiving information from other people, and the reflection meant for me as a reflection. At the beginning I really started to not like it, I was being asked to step away from things that for me were what I wanted to do, I was taking it as life putting stop signs to my hearts desire, but they were never my hearts desire, I have understood that not getting what I want at the time I want, from when and where I wanted, is a gift and I continue to receive those gifts every day, for they have helped me to question the reason behind this.

I met great teachers, great people and I danced with the desert, for the desert, for the mother, for the night, and as the days progressed, and the classes and the insight got deeper and all I wanted to was to dance , I realized that it was hand in hand with the surrendering that they were talking about, to let love through and let the miracles happen. I started observing my obsessive behaviors and I realized that no matter how much genuinely I want to do things it always came down to, ok now i need some recognition. Furthermore, I am purposely walking away from conditional love, but then I want to evaluate my progress in terms of conditional love. How is that ever going to really help? That my parameters for evaluation must change so, what does that mean? Attempt to identify the times you seek approval, or rather me as a woman in this world. How am I trying to get the praise? and if I am in too deep, then at least log what are the results you are getting, which must likely will be frustration because that is exactly what you are doing yourself when you seek for approval outside yourself, when you can only be certain of your progress when someone else validates it for you.

I leave my self with some words, in this transition to owning self worth, and self love, owning and working with your obsessions as a means to tell you something about yourself:

"Be kind to yourself, and show yourself some love, some patience, some admiration for the work you are doing, not compared to anyone but on what it means to you and how does it feel to you. Did you see a miracle happen? love, openly and with no conditions. Show love just because you have love to give, not because someone deserves it or because someone pleased you, show love regardless of what you get back. You do not need anybody's permission to love, we may need some sort of understanding when it comes to express love, but really loving someone doesn't need the recipient's permission, heck they don't even need to know, just love! Just be aware and let the love flow, the love that comes from you, the love that comes from mother and the love that comes from father." 

LivinPresent 3.1 On Inspiration and Attachment

LivinPresent Season 3

Download this episode (right click and save)

Editorial Note

The present is a note addressed to the last three posts.

First of all I would like to make it clear that these are not suicidal notes, they are rather an outlet of expression. I sometimes go through very rough times that feel like a force beyond my control wanting to rip the fabric of my body. These moments are very painful for me, and even though until today I have mostly kept them quiet, I have come to realize that maybe I need to be honest with myself first, and secondly with anyone that may at some point resonate with these posts.

I have never attempted against my own life, maybe once when I was a teenager I had an attempt that was more stupid than accurate, and even until today I regret it as it kills my left wrist during winter, and I am reminder of the stupid things that I can do that will have an effect on me for the rest of my life. But beyond that instance I have not attempted against my life, I have prayed for my life to end, I have visualized in dreams and in imagination how I would like to be met by the angel of death. I have looked for summoning spells for death to take me, and I have overall begged for mercy when things get to dense in here.

But I am still here, and I guess if you resonate with any of the posts from June 30, 2018 then I have to tell you that first of all, you are not alone, that for some of us this pain has meaning beyond what our 3D body can see. And that if the next day you are still here, without taking matters into your own hand, then it means that somehow you are still not done.

Remember that through our life, before we incarnate we set up exit strategies for our soul, and then most of us have several exit strategies during our life time, and without taking things into our own hands, we will meet these exit strategies, and in those exit strategies we will be able to make a decision. I think I have passed a few already of those, I remember once I was presented with the choice and I chose to stay, even though the feeling of wanting to leave continues to strike me, I know how those exit strategies look like and I am telling you, to hold on, not for me, not for you, not for your family, not even a purpose, rather wait for what your soul set forward for you... wait for the opportunity to leave on your own terms, I trust that it will come.

In the mean time, look for a community that can support you during these times, I know some of these feelings never go away, and they are always lingering, but there are ways to either bring all those other aspects of your being to surface and counterpart that call for darkness for you. Talk to someone that maybe doesn't know you, reach out, always reach out because sometimes when talking and explaining and hearing yourself out loud you are able to discern what is it really you, and what is it really maybe something else in the works. When I wrote these last 3 parts I figured out many things and I was able to separate myself from my pain, and start to understand it, and see beyond it.

Some people may be very sensitive to the energy surges in the planet, and feel overwhelmed, others might feel other people's pain all the time, there are exceptional beings incarnate today in the world that go through this, whatever it is, there is a community that will support what you are going through. So do not give up, because even though we believe in the afterlife, and we know the journey of the soul, we do not know for sure, we are not for sure we will come back, that we will remember what we gathered, we do not know, and there is a chance that you may be risking your progress if you take matters into your own hands.

The last one

Some may say "she gave up", some might say "she was strong" what they say I should not care, for both are true, I gave up and I have been so strong for so many for so long. I will move on with my blood tattooed across the land that embraced me, let my organic body feed the land that fed me and nurtured me, and when all the blood is spilled, knit a blanket with my hair and burn it to hell, to honor the life I built just to burn to the ground. Take my heart and throw it in a pond, for fishes to feast on what I could never rejoice.

And let my death be pointless, for they will say "she had it all" but you know this was the evil joke you planned for me all along. To fill me with pain in the middle of a rainbow, to make sure none knew. It was you who planned revenge on my soul the moment I went to seek for my own sun. I have learned my lesson, I cant outrun you, but I've also learned you are vengeful, and that makes you as imperfect as your toy. So kill me softly, and quietly, pour water in my fire, and as you extinguish my breath, you will know that you are not better than me, for by doing this to me you prove the reason why I jumped into the dark to find my own light.

Part 3 of 3

The experiment gone wrong

I need to stop, I need help, please take me, take my breath, and give my years to whomever wants to continue to play, because I dont, I am done feeling and I have nothing to lose now, I do more damage on those that I love by every second I stay.

I am a horrible experiment gone awry, can we reset? Can your write your conclusions and dispose of me? Because I was supposed to be done by now and I have nothing, I have done nothing, and the fire coming out of my breath is burning everything I touch, I am a danger for everything around me, so please, disengage and dispose of me, I am done, shred my soul so I am emptiness for eternity, shred my spirit to my pain nurtures the soil of your future props.

Take me to where I belong, to nothingness and darkness, take me please, stop playing like a toy with me, I know I am not special and I have never been. I am just one more so take your notes and pull the plug, have mercy one last time, free me from this senseless time.

Part 2 of 3

The pain of the Moon

I feel and I do too much, for even if the leaf falls the rumble disturbs my very core.
I am in the middle of a garden and I cant help feel the burst, I am a combustion a second from happening. And the voice tells me to calm down, to channel from earth to sky just how she taught me, but I am beyond practicing, I am at the end of my road.

There is a new invitation every day, and every day I cant find the strength to commit, to persevere, to purposefully and gradually release the fire that is burning a hole inside of me.

If it's all a dream, why cant I wake up? I am done, I've been born I've grown, I've shopped, I've reproduced, so can I die now? Can I go? Why would you want me here? Why would you show me the myst and then throw me out of my own home? Not only did I lose my wings, my shield and my sword and was pushed to live like a mortal, now you make me a bomb? Why?! And what is worst, is that you have made me a bomb and hid the trigger from my thumb.

Where is my magic? where is my temple? Why do I keep taking away my dreams? and what else do you want from me? Don't you think I've seen I am not the only one? I dont carry the message alone, and the cause is beyond my vision now, so why am I still here? I have no mission, no wings, no temple, no home, no shield, no sword, no purpose, just a hole and a bomb. What do you want to blow up? Why me? What did I destroyed that you have made sure I lose everything, and Now you go for my mind, when will it be enough? for you to allow me to just go and join the darkness of my soul?

Part 1 of 3

The Soul Evolution of the Brujo

Today I heard in UNAM radio http://www.radio.unam.mx/ i the 9-10AM time slot some interesting information about the phenomena that some cultures have documented as part of their belief system through the centuries. The presence of brujos and men of great power is often described in some indigenous cultures. I hereby offer a story based on this fact.

Times have been sometimes dark and sometimes lighter, although they have never been all light for me. I have been in the darkest of times, and through the times when the light took over, and through the time that I was adored, demonized and plain wrong.

On the contrary, a person that has been in the light for all of its known existence is a person that has a shield of protection placed by a mother like figure, they must descend of a protected blood. They are by default just men and women and overall happy contributors of their environment, without the need to question their reality, but rather accept it. This is what some would call a privileged existence for they learn from infancy the agreements that will provide them with the right thought process that will allow them to manifest their own contentment. They are the majority, and that is why when there are massive awakenings, these privileged beings are the most tempted to rebel, for it is their first time hearing about something they were oblivious to. Without massive disruption these souls continue their evolution in a gradual way, doing right by default and not by conviction. These people can be woken, although it would mean to take a protection that had been granted to them, and leave them to fend for themselves. Hence, a privileged can only seek the darkness, the darkness can not come to it as it comes to some of us, from very early in our lives.

Those brewed in darkness have loved it, breath it, left it behind, come back to it, swore it off, and embraced it back. And this is where I have been, I have by now been in the darkness more than there has been light, and yet here I am trying to find a place, an place between the comfort of the darkness and the warmth of the light.

I remember when there was no law, and we would linger through the souls of humans, those that feared us. Yesterday in the radio there was mentioned of an indigenous culture of Mexico where they described how it used to happen from time to time that a brujo would impregnate a woman in her sleep, an immaculate conception, and that since this birth was not naturally scheduled but forced then a kid in town would start vanishing by sickness to compensate the unbalance. As I listened I recognized some things, for example that when men started to study the mystic arts ages ago, they would grow in a specific scope of geography, so all around the world, human evolution took on the mystic religion, not only by belief but by practice.

Great beings of power for many years were on their own, they learned and evolved by trail and error, and things like that mentioned in the radio, even though not exactly like that, but very similar where one could force its own rebirth. These kinds of things had taken place in more cultures than we are aware of today; however to this date there are easier ways and heavier preoccupations in which the mystic partakes. There are councils now that oversee these kinds of forbidden practices, that require human sacrifice. The ones that might practice to this date are societies that are inclined to the practice of what would be considered souls that are stuck in their evolution by the pursuit of absolute power.

These are some of the things I have remembered through my life in this time. I am not sure I have caused this birth on will, I know I have chosen the partners I would do it, I also know those that had been previously chosen were also in the darkness so its hard to say if we are at it again, or if we are really trying to bridge the light and the night. If we are shadows, or reflections, or both.