The Circle of Fire

The Circle of Fire

I went to a much desired retreat on September 21-23rd, 2018 which coincided with the fall equinox, and a full moon, and an overall large number of major events in the spiritual realm. The overall message I take from walking in a dream, in a shamanic journey which this trip represents to me is that of being a witness, I saw mothers love, I saw Quetzalcoatl, messages were delivered and new seeds were planted.

Overall I was asked to move away from performing for others and start performing for the elements, the mountain, the spirit, and in general for presence. Some of the observations that I was able to gather are attached to conditional love, like:

1.  The woman or the line of women in me have strong pain attached with self worth, and hence, every time I, in this body start to feel good, I feel the need to show it off, in any way that is a call for approval. 
2. More often than not, the attention sought is in the form of male energy. Not necesarily a gender, but rather a figure of authority or someone whose approval is gather high in prestige for example. And personally, the more  I observe, the more I find that its annoying. Because then of course I come to question if I do things because of who and what I am or if I do them to seek approval, and to feel worth, to accumulate points in a ridiculous point accumulation contest with no winner.

Among other observations that are present to me through the path that I have taken by deciding to pursuit the path of the sorceress, the one that serves source, that works with source, that guards source and that will eventually merge with it.

The fact is that by me entering the path in which I am, I have currently been in a position where I can only see now things that are immediately necessary for me to see, everything reflects to me right away, And I am bless to be able to discern from receiving information from other people, and the reflection meant for me as a reflection. At the beginning I really started to not like it, I was being asked to step away from things that for me were what I wanted to do, I was taking it as life putting stop signs to my hearts desire, but they were never my hearts desire, I have understood that not getting what I want at the time I want, from when and where I wanted, is a gift and I continue to receive those gifts every day, for they have helped me to question the reason behind this.

I met great teachers, great people and I danced with the desert, for the desert, for the mother, for the night, and as the days progressed, and the classes and the insight got deeper and all I wanted to was to dance , I realized that it was hand in hand with the surrendering that they were talking about, to let love through and let the miracles happen. I started observing my obsessive behaviors and I realized that no matter how much genuinely I want to do things it always came down to, ok now i need some recognition. Furthermore, I am purposely walking away from conditional love, but then I want to evaluate my progress in terms of conditional love. How is that ever going to really help? That my parameters for evaluation must change so, what does that mean? Attempt to identify the times you seek approval, or rather me as a woman in this world. How am I trying to get the praise? and if I am in too deep, then at least log what are the results you are getting, which must likely will be frustration because that is exactly what you are doing yourself when you seek for approval outside yourself, when you can only be certain of your progress when someone else validates it for you.

I leave my self with some words, in this transition to owning self worth, and self love, owning and working with your obsessions as a means to tell you something about yourself:

"Be kind to yourself, and show yourself some love, some patience, some admiration for the work you are doing, not compared to anyone but on what it means to you and how does it feel to you. Did you see a miracle happen? love, openly and with no conditions. Show love just because you have love to give, not because someone deserves it or because someone pleased you, show love regardless of what you get back. You do not need anybody's permission to love, we may need some sort of understanding when it comes to express love, but really loving someone doesn't need the recipient's permission, heck they don't even need to know, just love! Just be aware and let the love flow, the love that comes from you, the love that comes from mother and the love that comes from father." 

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Editorial Note

The present is a note addressed to the last three posts.

First of all I would like to make it clear that these are not suicidal notes, they are rather an outlet of expression. I sometimes go through very rough times that feel like a force beyond my control wanting to rip the fabric of my body. These moments are very painful for me, and even though until today I have mostly kept them quiet, I have come to realize that maybe I need to be honest with myself first, and secondly with anyone that may at some point resonate with these posts.

I have never attempted against my own life, maybe once when I was a teenager I had an attempt that was more stupid than accurate, and even until today I regret it as it kills my left wrist during winter, and I am reminder of the stupid things that I can do that will have an effect on me for the rest of my life. But beyond that instance I have not attempted against my life, I have prayed for my life to end, I have visualized in dreams and in imagination how I would like to be met by the angel of death. I have looked for summoning spells for death to take me, and I have overall begged for mercy when things get to dense in here.

But I am still here, and I guess if you resonate with any of the posts from June 30, 2018 then I have to tell you that first of all, you are not alone, that for some of us this pain has meaning beyond what our 3D body can see. And that if the next day you are still here, without taking matters into your own hand, then it means that somehow you are still not done.

Remember that through our life, before we incarnate we set up exit strategies for our soul, and then most of us have several exit strategies during our life time, and without taking things into our own hands, we will meet these exit strategies, and in those exit strategies we will be able to make a decision. I think I have passed a few already of those, I remember once I was presented with the choice and I chose to stay, even though the feeling of wanting to leave continues to strike me, I know how those exit strategies look like and I am telling you, to hold on, not for me, not for you, not for your family, not even a purpose, rather wait for what your soul set forward for you... wait for the opportunity to leave on your own terms, I trust that it will come.

In the mean time, look for a community that can support you during these times, I know some of these feelings never go away, and they are always lingering, but there are ways to either bring all those other aspects of your being to surface and counterpart that call for darkness for you. Talk to someone that maybe doesn't know you, reach out, always reach out because sometimes when talking and explaining and hearing yourself out loud you are able to discern what is it really you, and what is it really maybe something else in the works. When I wrote these last 3 parts I figured out many things and I was able to separate myself from my pain, and start to understand it, and see beyond it.

Some people may be very sensitive to the energy surges in the planet, and feel overwhelmed, others might feel other people's pain all the time, there are exceptional beings incarnate today in the world that go through this, whatever it is, there is a community that will support what you are going through. So do not give up, because even though we believe in the afterlife, and we know the journey of the soul, we do not know for sure, we are not for sure we will come back, that we will remember what we gathered, we do not know, and there is a chance that you may be risking your progress if you take matters into your own hands.

The last one

Some may say "she gave up", some might say "she was strong" what they say I should not care, for both are true, I gave up and I have been so strong for so many for so long. I will move on with my blood tattooed across the land that embraced me, let my organic body feed the land that fed me and nurtured me, and when all the blood is spilled, knit a blanket with my hair and burn it to hell, to honor the life I built just to burn to the ground. Take my heart and throw it in a pond, for fishes to feast on what I could never rejoice.

And let my death be pointless, for they will say "she had it all" but you know this was the evil joke you planned for me all along. To fill me with pain in the middle of a rainbow, to make sure none knew. It was you who planned revenge on my soul the moment I went to seek for my own sun. I have learned my lesson, I cant outrun you, but I've also learned you are vengeful, and that makes you as imperfect as your toy. So kill me softly, and quietly, pour water in my fire, and as you extinguish my breath, you will know that you are not better than me, for by doing this to me you prove the reason why I jumped into the dark to find my own light.

Part 3 of 3

The experiment gone wrong

I need to stop, I need help, please take me, take my breath, and give my years to whomever wants to continue to play, because I dont, I am done feeling and I have nothing to lose now, I do more damage on those that I love by every second I stay.

I am a horrible experiment gone awry, can we reset? Can your write your conclusions and dispose of me? Because I was supposed to be done by now and I have nothing, I have done nothing, and the fire coming out of my breath is burning everything I touch, I am a danger for everything around me, so please, disengage and dispose of me, I am done, shred my soul so I am emptiness for eternity, shred my spirit to my pain nurtures the soil of your future props.

Take me to where I belong, to nothingness and darkness, take me please, stop playing like a toy with me, I know I am not special and I have never been. I am just one more so take your notes and pull the plug, have mercy one last time, free me from this senseless time.

Part 2 of 3

The pain of the Moon

I feel and I do too much, for even if the leaf falls the rumble disturbs my very core.
I am in the middle of a garden and I cant help feel the burst, I am a combustion a second from happening. And the voice tells me to calm down, to channel from earth to sky just how she taught me, but I am beyond practicing, I am at the end of my road.

There is a new invitation every day, and every day I cant find the strength to commit, to persevere, to purposefully and gradually release the fire that is burning a hole inside of me.

If it's all a dream, why cant I wake up? I am done, I've been born I've grown, I've shopped, I've reproduced, so can I die now? Can I go? Why would you want me here? Why would you show me the myst and then throw me out of my own home? Not only did I lose my wings, my shield and my sword and was pushed to live like a mortal, now you make me a bomb? Why?! And what is worst, is that you have made me a bomb and hid the trigger from my thumb.

Where is my magic? where is my temple? Why do I keep taking away my dreams? and what else do you want from me? Don't you think I've seen I am not the only one? I dont carry the message alone, and the cause is beyond my vision now, so why am I still here? I have no mission, no wings, no temple, no home, no shield, no sword, no purpose, just a hole and a bomb. What do you want to blow up? Why me? What did I destroyed that you have made sure I lose everything, and Now you go for my mind, when will it be enough? for you to allow me to just go and join the darkness of my soul?

Part 1 of 3